silence

I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to smile. I want to be quiet. I can’t say things right. I don’t think like you all. That’s why you don’t understand the way i’m feeling and I don’t understand the way you are feeling.

There is no answer. There is no right and wrong. There is frustration. There is diminishing strength, diminishing patience. There is swallowing guilt and fear. There is swallowing emotions and true feelings and not saying how you feel. Not because i am afraid, but because i do not want to hurt anyone.

I can’t listen to you. I can’t tell you anything. You can’t hear me either. So there is no point in saying anything at the moment.

I have to accept. I do it differently than you. But that’s ok. We are different. That’s the whole point. That’s the way it has to be. I can’t teach you anything. You shouldn’t learn from me.

We all hide. Why? Why do we hide?

We tolerate. We suffer in silence. Why? It hurts us. And does it really help the others that much? When is the time to be selfish? You are never selfish. I am always selfish. That is not fair. But i wouldn’t know how to change.

I’m sick of dealing with things. I want to sit in front of the TV and numb my mind. Or get absorbed in something all-consuming: a book or an activity. I don’t want to deal with time and tasks anymore. I don’t want to plan my work and meet deadlines. I don’t want to come on time for work anymore.

I don’t want to do anything that i don’t want to do. But i have to. Becasue not doing it will be worse than doing it.

There is no way out. There is no respite. There never will be. Because sub-consciously we don’t want respite. We want drama. We want action. Because otherwise life would be silent and dull.

We want silence, at the same time, we don’t want silence.

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: i want to be silent – please