him: Yo! Blond swedish guy ** here. Have a good sleep n don’t blow off the boat tomorrow sexy!

me: haha…i won’t good night!

…the next day…

me: Hey how you doin 2day? Had fun after i left last night? This is ** btw..the girl from the club..

him: Hey singapore babe! We went to McDo after you left. not too much party but tasty. Are the islands nice? A lot of ultra conservative christians there so be careful party 2nite?

me: Haha..haven’t got to the islands yet..we’re headin there now..2night will prob be a quiet night..jus some drinks maybe..what about u?

him: Dinner with some friends. might go out after. Wanna meet up 2morrow?

me: I’m leavin for oslo tmr mornin…sorry..

him: Well, hope u have a good time there. Give me a text if u wanna escape  your friends later Take care!

me: Haha..thanks..u have fun too

…a little while later…

him: I feel a great urge to show u my beautiful flat 2nite. Come meet me at Vasaplatsen!

me: Hey sorry…i didn’t check my phone..i’m jus on the way back from ** now..really tired coz i had loads of fun 2day..i don’t think i can make it to ur place 2nite..sorry

him: U should at least come n have a drink. Me n my friends are in central Gothenburg at Skål, its gr8!

me: Sounds like fun but i don’t think i can make it..need to pack my bags for the trip to oslo tmr..

him: I think u need to have some fun, those bags can’t take long to pack!

me: Ah! Stop tempting me..lol..i really can’t come..i need to be on a bus to oslo in about 4 hours..last night was fun..but i guess that was it..

him: I only see one option: reschedule the bus n stay for a whole nite of passionate love making Have a gr8 time in Oslo! Ur a cool girl!

me: Haha..thanks..if only schedules were so easy to change

I miss that feeling. Sigh. What more can I say? I want to have that feeling again.

The feeling of my heart beating faster every time I see you approaching from the corner of my eye. My palms getting sweaty and my face getting hot.When you smile at me and say “hi” and I’m swooning in my mind and all I can manage to get out is “hi” in return.

How my mind constantly wanders to thoughts about you and every thing I’m doing, saying or working on some how manages to have you in the picture.

When every single love song suddenly makes sense and I imagine us listening to them and playing them for each other.

The smell of your cologne fills my lungs when we’re in the elevator together or we stop to chat. That smell keeps me giddy for the rest of the day.

The feeling of us getting closer. When we have private conversations that seem to last for ever.

When we walk and our hands brush against each other and you slowly maneuver yours so that we link fingers. And when you do that, my mind goes crazy – just absolutely crazy for you.

When we dance together – any kind of dance. You are the perfect gentleman and I try to be the perfect lady. How we end up doing the simplest step that both of us know and eventually just sway from side to side, my head on your shoulder.

You hug me warmly and I press my head into your chest so I can not only hear your heart beat, but also feel it. It’s like I can’t get close enough.

I wish you were real.

I wish you were real.

I wish…

I need you now.

You are the excitement of my life. And I need you now.

I need you…

- sourspicy

I have decided not to respond. Not to say anything about you or your choices. Its difficult but i am going to try. So many times i feel like telling you what you should be doing, or what i would do if i were you. But i am begining to understand that that is not the way to go.

I can’t impose my thoughts and methods on you. What you wish to do and how your wish to live your life is up to you. You are free to make whatever choices you want. Who am i to say anything about that?

Sure, sometimes it’s difficult and i have to admit that at times i am really tempted to tell you what you should do. This is something inside of me that i am trying hard to control.

Being open-minded is not just about accepting people who are more EXTREME than myself, but also those who are more CAUTIOUS. That’s why, I truly believe that this is part of being open-minded. So i shall make this my mantra. It shall be the rule that i try to live by.

I do apologize if my past actions have caused you harm.

Just as i accept that people make choices for how they wish to live their lives, i too shall take responsibility for my own actions and choices.

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: accept – everything

i’m quite a mean and horrible person most of the time.

I’m glad my friends stick around for the times that i’m not…

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: i’m glad – thank you

I have no idea what is wrong with me. Sigh. The truth is, it’s probably PMS. Which makes it even more shitty.

I’m sorry. I truly regret what i said today. I guess i didn’t really understand what was going on with you. I said too much. And i went too far.

I realize that i have been snappy the past few days/weeks. I think i am subconsciously testing you, testing our friendship. That is just so screwed up, even i don’t really get it. But let me try to explain.

I’m being rude/mean to get a reaction from you. But you never react the way i want. I don’t understand how or why you are so sacrificing all the time.

Why don’t you fight back for yourself? Why don’t you scold me back? Why don’t we have a big argument? Why does it always seem like i am the demanding, mean person and you are the kind, sacrificing, apologetic person?

It’s so strange that the very same thing i am telling you was told to me by someone else a while ago. I can’t believe my life is so full of circles.

I am coming to terms with the fact that you are you and i am me. I knew that before, but it never impacted me as much as now. I can’t be like you, and you can’t be like me. But it’s just so stressful to constantly have to censor ourselves in front of each other. We can still be completely different and coexist. I don’t think it’s impossible.

But the dynamics of the friendship are changing. We have to adjust to each other once again. I guess i’m on the way there.

On another note, I do not want to deny myself from anything or hide my feelings, but i have to clean up my act as well. the swearing has to stop because it’s too vulgar and crass. And i realize that the things i say influence others too much. When i swear, some how it draws other people to do so as well. I do not want that. So i will stop.

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: i have no idea how to fix me – just a break will do.

I’m so angry with all of the stupid mistakes and decisions that people have made. Some other people have made mistakes and my life is worse off because of it.

Part A: Rant about a course I’m studying now

All of you imbeciles are bumblimg around out there. Who the hell put you in a position of power? Because you sure as hell don’t know what to do with it. Do you realize that your “well thought out” and “comprehensive” and “valuable/useful” course is actually totally fucked up? You made a decision to conduct a class to teach people how to use a software that is so limited in its use and adoption that we have all only heard of it through the course outline. Your dumbass course has 3 instructors/professors that have a combined knowledge of the software that amounts to less than what the TA knows. I mean just give all of your fucking 5-figure salaries to the TA because at least he knows what the hell he’s doing.

Ok sure, you try to think of all the possibilities and all the limitations/weaknesses the course has. And you are trying to improve the course structire, i can see that…but seriously….if you are going to set an assignment that has certain requirements, you yourself have to know how to complete the assignment. And you have to be able to provide answers to the questions that students have. Or at least foresee the problems/questions that students would have. How the fuck are you going to grade the assignments if you don’t know how to use the software??

Some things are just beyond my comprehension. I just hope it all gets sorted out soon …..sigh….

Part B: Disinterested Mr.

I guess you must be busy. But even that is a weak excuse for what’s been happening the past few weeks. It almost seems like you don’t want to guide/supervise us. If we could do that ourselves, then what are you there for? At this point, it’s almost like you are only there to book rooms for us and nothing else.

You are supposed to guide us, prepare us for the final presentation so that we know how to best represent ourselves. You can’t fucking ask us how things are going – are we on the right track, are we keeping pace! Those are things for you to determine and fix! Do your job!

If we end up on the chopping block at the final presentation it may be your fault, but we won’t be able to blame you, you won’t be able to help us and we can’t do a fucking thing about it. So if we are not prepared/monitored/SUPERVISED/guided/helped/looked into, etc etc etc, we won’t be ready, we may not survive the final presentation!

And then what? A year of hard work down the drain? And nothing we can do about it…

Please do your job…..sigh….

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: it’s out of my system – i hope it gets better soon

(keeping in mind the previous post)

Sometimes i open up my mouth to say something, but instead of words, out comes a huge load of crap.

it’s quite a serious problem, hopefully i’ll have it under control soon.

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: hates being a jerk – sigh

Why is it so wrong to state an opinion? Why is it bad? Why is it scary? Why do we not do it? Is it because we fear being shot down? Is it because we are not too sure of our selves? Are we just afraid of what others might say?

In any case, when I do finally get the guts to speak about what is really on my mind, it turns out to be the ‘wrong’ thing to say. What does that even mean? “The wrong thing”. Who is the judge of right and ‘wrong’? Whatever i say, there will be a few people who agree and a few who disagree. I have come to terms with that. So why doesn’t everyone else?

Is it so difficult to agree to disagree? or must we never say anything at all, in order to avoid saying the ‘wrong thing’? That would be the perfect solution wouldn’t it? Always have surface conversations that are about nothing at all, and lead to nothing at all. That way, we avoid the trouble of stating our real opinion and speaking out about it. There is no fear, no embarrassment, and no judgment.

But how boring! I think that sometimes, controversy is exactly what we need in our lives. We need to have that jolt of ‘extraordinary’ that adds a certain charm to our lives. Or is that just me?

At the end of it all, we must always speak up about our opinion, because it’s better to have said and lost than never to have said at all.

I hope…

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: reverting – good or bad?

PS: Some things that i’ve learned recently…

1. Stating your opinion != being rude or mean or harsh.
2. Stating your opinion, no matter how honest, genuine, and sincere can sometimes still make you feel like an idiot and a jerk, even if you said it in the nicest way you can.
3. It all depends on how the other person responds
4. And because of pt. no. 3, you are never in control and can never be
5. enjoy…

I’m in no mood to be social these days. I’d prefer to dance and be free. But that can’t really happen.

In ’social situations’ i feel like communicating through facial expressions and sounds rather than words. Even simple words seem like too much of a chore. I can’t seem to be bothered to be nice, polite or even ordinary anymore.

It doens’t affect all of the areas of my life though. When i’m in Visual Design for Marketing or in Advertising class, I’m so happy. I really look forward to it.

I’m so inspired by my profs, but at the same time, they kind of scare me. I hope to be just as, if not more creative and successful and just plain cool as they are when i grow up. haha!

That’s why i want to impress them. Their approval means more than a good grade to me. I just hope i’m not disappointed at the end of the sem. I want to do well for myself but i want them to notice my efforts. How on earth am i supposed to do that?!

Anyway, i just hope i can get over whatever it is i’m feeling. It’s weird and annoying and i just want it to stop. I hope for some interesting and fun things to happen in school, but i doubt if anything even close to my imagination will ever happen. Sigh…

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: bleah – hum hum hum hum

When i’m nervous, or excited, or both….i feel exceedingly happy. It’s not a typical reaction, but still, it is justified.

Over the years, i’ve had plenty of opportunities to feel nervous-excited. I used to try to calm myself down and lower my heart rate to a more normal rhythm, but well, any one with any biological knowledge will tell you that that ‘trying’ to lower your heart rate by thinking ‘calming things’ or ‘telling yourself’ to clam down, doesn’t always work.

Finally, i smartened up and realized that there is nothing bad about feeling nervous. It is in fact, good.

I love to let all the nervousness flow over me, let it completely control me, and give in completely to the feeling. Because when i do that, my heart beats faster than i could have ever imagined, my hands get shaky and i start to fidget, I wish i could run away from the situation that is causing me to get nervous, I want to occupy myself with something, anything that will distract me, BUT, by not running away, by staying and ‘fighting’, i am able to think more clearly, the adrenalin works its wonders throughout my body and after the nervousness has passed, i am calm and relieved and…happy. Biologically happy. Which i think, is the best kind..haha!

So i look forward to that feeling, because even though it makes me feel like dying, that is precisely what makes me feel more ‘alive’ than anything else.

Thanks for listening,

sourspicy: the feeling is true and real –